WEIRD COUNTY
Do yourself a favor. Stop trusting your senses.
The Weird County is the essence of Absurdistan. It is the biggest
of all the known counties and more than 80% of the total
absurd industry is concentrated there, mainly because corporations are
taking bounteous advantage of the County's ultraobscure tax laws.
Worldwide known manufacturers of plush earthworms,
two-headed nails, plastic saw-dust, blimp transmissions, blonde parts
and world domination pants are all located here
and almost single-handedly account for most of Absurdistan exports to Earth.
The County's soil is extraordinarily
fertile and is used primarily to grow bad habits
of the folks who pretend to work on it.
The harvest is often so colossal that, come fall,
the nearby psychiatric wards are overflowing with patients.
Weird County is also rich in proteins, tourist attractions, plug-in squirrels,
busts of Frank Sinatra and raw materials.
Worth mentioning is its long tradition
in coal mining for which miners use specially trained moles. They dig their
tunnels deep in the lode and upon return to the surface are swept clean
of the coal dust, which is then transported to chemical plants
for purification.
The biggest success in mining has been achieved with the variety known as the
Shanty Coal Mole that can dig up and subsequently shake off
up to 3 pounds of coal dust per day.
This breed has an absolutely black fur which makes it
invisible to its main enemy - the Coal Fox.
The only problem with virtually invisible coal moles is
that sometimes they can't even see each other and their head-on collisions
often result in severe head injuries and subsequent minor earthquakes.
For this reason some mining
companies prefer normal moles, which are blind, but have a very acute
sense of smell.
In addition to coal and sulphur, the recent
geological survey unveiled layers of
tooth brushes in the northern part of Weird County. Most of these
are shallow layers and can be mined
with bulldozers or home-made dynamite. Some explorers, however, went deeper
below tooth-brush fields and
reported large supplies of raw subway. The Public Transportation Committee
of the Party expressed interest in mining all the available subway out and
then transporting it to Ejsi, which needs the subway to solve its pressing
traffic congestion problems. The experts agreed that transporting the dug out
subway parts from the Weird County to Ejsi and then digging them back in might
be twice as cheap as building the subway system by conventional means.
The Weird County is also home to half of the human population and to
most aliens. Among its numerous towns and villages, there are
3 with the population of over 10,000: Codimension, Kocourkov
(teenagers will probably recall the famous TV show "Kocourkov 90210")
and most importantly New Yarka Metelka. This is the de facto
capital of the country, since Ejsi DC, due to its top security measures,
is effectively cut off from the rest of the world. NYM is the center of
Absurdistan's cultural and economical life and most of the top ten companies
are based there. On your visit to NYM, watch out for huge blimp sewing hangars
and long assembly lines for the ever so popular natural blondes.
Incidentally, many of the famous brands of blondes
exported from Absurdistan are produced here - you will surely remember the
famous makes like Barbie, Barbie II., Barbie III.,
SuperBarbie, TurboCharge Barbie, Super-Extra Large Barbie with Fries, Brigitte,
Danish Beauty, Sharon the Double Glaze and Pamela Anderson.
Most of them go to France and Germany, some to Norway, Denmark and Sweden
and large shipments are recently being sent to
Iceland, where "Frozen Blondes" are becoming very popular.
New Yarka Metelka is also a city with a rich spiritual history.
Built on an ancient offering
site of the Indian tribe "Fast Arrows" it offers a wide variety of
paranormal activities. The local airport has a special runway reserved
only for UFOs, the botanical garden grows its own crop circles, the City Zoo
is proud of several specimens of Yetti, the Happy Snowman, and the whole City
Council is presided over by His Majesty Principal Gland Coordinator
Joseph Frankenstein Scratcher, the psychic prodigy with an IQ of a severely
retarded grasshoper. NYM is home to many
mental and governmental institutions too, resulting in the city income tax
being in the range of 92-97%.
This slightly exhorbitant percentage is mostly due
to the government's proverbial inefficiency. Indeed,
no one in the government wants to do any
actual work and usually gets away with it, which is
why the current employees bring in their
friends, cousins, great-grand-parents, pets, siblings and other relatives,
who also want the easy governmental jobs. And hey, who's there to prevent
these folks from getting them. After all, without the "Time-Resolved X-Ray
Absorption Analysis of the Saliva of Dogs that Bark More Often than Twice a
Night Unless It's Tuesday"
the whole country might come to a grinding halt!
Thus it is not
surprising that the political power is not concentrated in the hands of
the Party, but rather in the hands of the religious sect "Bug in Sect"
who control the politics by managing TV programs on virtually all stations.
And what enlightened and educated programming that is. From early morning
till late night, you can admire a seemingly endless pukathon of all sorts of
animals, people, aliens, robots and even elevators just throwing up and
vomitting all over the place 24/7. Why? Because the ratings are so high.
It didn't use to be that way. But people are lazy - they don't want to see
anything stimulating, and since the "Bug in Sect" always gave them just what
they wanted there was no reason to flip a channel. Consequently,
the networks offering substance or at least a
semblance of it went quickly bankrupt and
the audiences slowly degenerated into what
they are today.
The Moving Nacho Absorbers.
Do something for your pets. Teach them HTML.
(just in: an important message from aliens)
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(just out: sorry, they were just passing by)
Take a good care of your car.
Make an eyecontact with it every day.
"Bug in Sect" started its rise at the turn of the century when the
newly elected head of the group
"We Believe in Sect" misread its name and started to worship insect.
In the 30s, bugs were declared sacred animals and the name of the group
was changed to "Bug in Sect". At this time the group has become the third
most powerful political organization (out of 3) and its influence has been
growing stronger every year. In 50s there were big purges in the party
under the slogan "Debug Your Bug" and since then the sect is probably
the most influential organization in Southeast Absurdistan.
You can see signs of the sect's activity almost everywhere.
Every major city in Weird County has a big statue of some insect and
whenever a bug arrives at the airport or crosses the border, it is given
a unique Social Security Number and a cordial pat on the shoulder
(that explains why the number of live bugs in Weird County is
steadily declining). The "Bug in Sect" is also quite
influential in Math County. Not because mathematicians would be such
big bug worshippers, but rather because they sincerely hate the Party.
Other than that the mathematicians do not care
too much about the politics. As far as we know, the only official they
ever vote for is the Prime Minister, who is personally responsible
for the progress on the Riemann Hypothesis.
Some sect activists are also said to have
penetrated the walls of Ejsi, but these rumours are unconfirmed.
Ejsi - as is known - is under the full control of the Party and it is quite
possible that if the sect members made it, they are now rotting in the secret
Ejsi's penitentiaries, where they contribute to the mass-production
of yellow-colored lunch-boxes.
The political spectrum in the neighboring Czech County is
so confusing that nobody except maybe few drunken astrologists
dares to make any predictions. The "Bug in Sect" certainly has some
proponents there, but so do circa 75 other political parties.
Thus only Cimrman's County seems to be "bug free", which is quite
surprising since originally the county was one big grassy prairie.
The main political force here is Cimrman's Revival Band,
solely responsible for the recent outburst of urbanization.
They started by building the city
of Ja'rov (don't confuse it with the Prague district Jarov),
which consists mostly of large museums where people admire various aspects
of Cimrman's genius, theaters where they perform his plays
and giant stadiums where they don't do anything.
The stadiums are places
of contemplation, since
all of the athletes in
Absurdistan went on a permanent strike in protest against Powell's
breaking Bob Beamon's long jump record from 1968.
Fast development of the area around Ja'rov encouraged members of Cimrman's
Revival Band to further exploit the endless stretches of the prairie.
Inspired by Cimrman's expedition to the North Pole, the Revivalists
decided to move the North Pole to Absurdistan so that no one has
to risk his/her/its own life in order to reach this
singular point on Earth. They asserted that it didn't
really matter where the North Pole was as long as it was to the north of
the South Pole and that it surely was. Over the years the
North Pole became a favorite pilgrimage place and a small town arose around
the original milestone and a hamburger stall. These days North Pole is the
center of Absurdistan's traveling industry with its own airport, submarine
dock and multilevel stables.
Having successfully relocated the North Pole, the Central Committee
of Cimrman's
Revival Band intended to put the South Pole just 2 miles south of the
North Pole so that families with adventurous kids could reach both
poles in one day. Unfortunately, the sheriff from the Math County stepped in
and said it wouldn't work since in that case the poles wouldn't be antipodal
(opposite). As a matter of fact, he said that even the (new) North Pole is a
hoax since it is not antipodal to the current South Pole. That prodded a
big outburst of political and legal activity and Absurdistan asked UNESCO
to move the South Pole to the position opposite to the (new) North Pole.
UNESCO, of course, turned down such proposal as preposterous and that is
probably the reason why Absurdistan still refuses to join the United Nations
and the World Organization of Puppet Makers.
Make your kidneys happy. Start drinking.
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