Despite its rude protocol, the business in Absurdistan is booming and the dynamics of Absurd Economy is twice as fast as that of Asian tigers before they fell asleep. For this reason, there are many people trying to establish business connection in Absurdistan or even become Absurdistan's citizens, permanent residents (holders of the so caled "blue card") or "visa givees". Even though this is very difficult to achieve (there are only 81 working visas granted every absurd year plus 27 "blue cards" won in the so called "blue card lottery"), you may relatively easily obtain the status of a "visiting scholar", "visiting peddler", "visiting businessman", "visiting umbrella-expert", or "visiting uncle". Due to the recent demand for extraordinary pets, many people are let into the country as "Independent Hedgehog Dealers" (IHD visas). The main difference between visas (incl. IHD) and visitor's status is that visas are permanent, while visitors are granted permission to stay in Absurdistan only for 9 months and then are kicked out of the country by His Extraordinary Majesty, the Supreme Secretary of Soccer. It is always important to keep in mind that the Absurdistan's pecking order is as follows:

• members of the ruling Absurd Party
• citizens
• "blue card" holders
• working visa holders
• IHD visa holders
• visitors (scholars, peddlers, businessmen, umbrella-experts and uncles)
• legal aliens
• illegal aliens
• readers of this page
• other lifeforms
• other matter
• vacuum

Friendly warning: As a non-citizen you are supposed to be politically correct (without Bill Maher). In particular, when speaking about objects that do not have a definite gender, you have to refer to these objects as "he/she/it", as in "A student at UAbs cannot do what he/she/it pleases. It is his/her/its responsibility to memorize the University Code." This rule was adopted after a huge wave of protests from several dolphin activists (dolphins constitute 10% of Absurdistan's population) who claimed that matriculated dolphins were offended by the usage of "his/her" convention. Failure by non-citizens to observe this rule may result in a derogatory note in your passport and, in case of a repeated offence, in burning your passport (note that in some counties the passport is burnt together with its holder).

To help you navigate thru Absurdistan's soaring economy, here is a list of the biggest companies you may contact, followed by the list of job opportunities, instructions how to get visas and the price index to help you estimate your living expenses.

Companies with over 3482 Employees

• Bad Year

  Worst tires in Absurdistan. If you don't get a flat tire within 6 months from the purchase date - your money back. Their latest hit are "prepunctured tires". What else would you ask for?

• The First Cryogenic Bank of Absurdistan

  Are you wondering what is the best way to save some money? Put them in the refrigerator. That's essentially what they do with them at the FCBA. Don't miss the opportunity to hear your money crunch.

• U-Howl

  The fact that werewolves are the most popular pets in Absurdistan almost caused their extinction. Today, werewolves are on the list of endangered species and their population is carefully monitored. No wonder that companies producing plush werewolves are having an unprecedented boom. But, as you may guess, you have to do the howling.

• Absurdistan Off-Line

  Absurdistan major Internet Service Denier. Using the state-of-the-art laser weapons, they are capable to deny Internet access even to the most addicted Internet junkies. They also offer trips to the real reality and numerous evening classes, such as "Living in the 3D world", "Elementary field flowers" or "TV - your old friend".

• Burger Queen

  Absurdistan biggest slow food chain. You are guaranteed to wait at least 4 hours for your meal. Actually, at the time you make your order, some vegetables are probably, as a result of your order, just being planted at chain's gardens. Also for an extra fee you may ask that the desert is being flown to you from an arbitrary place on the Earth. And finally, if you spot any staff member moving faster than 25 inches/min. you are entitled to a free meal.

• PHONY

  An electronic gigant specializing in disassembling various devices that are being grown in southern Absurdistan, a place famous for its huge orchards of TV-trees, stereo-trees and phone-trees. Every fall the orchards are flooded with pony carts full of harvesters who carefully pick the ripe devices off the trees and transport them to PHONY factories where these are disassembled into parts and sent to the market. Some are even exported to Japan.

• AP&T

  Absurdistan Pigeons and Telephones. Communication conglomerate having control over 97% of Absurdistan's Networks. They are working hard on being as expensive as possible, with their slogan being: "the more you call, the more you waste". They offer special wasting plan to specified countries plus their pigeons are known for their ability to get lost on a route within the same block.

• Microhard

  The largest software producer in Absurdistan. Their software is at least 40% less effective than that of competition and frequent use of Microhard products may lead to a hard disk crash near Roswell, NM. Should that not happen, Microhard has a 24 hr consumer service, which - at your request - sends a serviceman to your home and he crashes your hard disk with a large hammer. Guaranteed.

• Taco Hell

  Sauna chain. Enough said.

• Analytic Beer

  Absurdistan largest beer brewery. It is worth mentioning that in Absurdistan beer is used primarily as a coolant in huge heat exchangers surrounding its capital Ejsi, DC. AB's revenue is therefore one of the largest in the nation and part of it is used for sponsoring the Analytic Beer mathematical seminar.

• Rent-a-Sub

  Nation's largest submarine rental company. The rates are from 800AF/day for a personal submarine to 400,000AF/day for a nuclear submarine with a crew trained in the United States. If you don't swim, you also have to purchase an insurance and a chain saw. All the submarines have automatic pumping and, if filled with helium, can be used as blimps. Some of them are even safe. And don't forget that they rent coffins too.

JOB OPPORTUNITIES
position	age limit	location	salary
sponsor	34-101	Worse Business Bureau	5 AF/mo.
link manager	09 - 197	Info Jungle	2,700 AF/mo.
charts editor	25 - 45	La Fionco NP	7,900 AF/mo.

Persons interested in any of these vacancies should contact our Human Resources Dept.

Requirements for obtaining VISA/Visitor's Status

• A check for 200AF made out to the Treasurer of Absurdistan
• Complete list of illnesses of all your family members (incl. colds)
• Sample of your hair (not to exceed 9 grams)
• Your dog's social security card
• Certificate that you took sanity shots
• Photograph of your left leg (the rest of your body must be retouched)
• A novel (at least 2300 pages) written by you or by your dog
• 3 letters of recommendation from independent psychiatrists
• A brick
• Complete set of your toeprints
• 3 pictures of Marylin Monroe signed to you or to your dog

1. Pouring tea into someone's lap is a good way how to start negotiations
2. During negotiations repeat "That's disgusting" periodically.
3. After a deal is made, physically attack your partner with a dictionary.
4. Never open your business on time.
5. Do not keep any records, except Louis Armstrong's
6. When dealing with UN member states, charge an extra 450%
7. Agreements are binding only on Tuesdays (unless they are holidays)
8. Your pet is allowed to act on your behalf in legal matters
9. Do not start any business without visas or visitor's permit

...and for your inconvenience we have also included some gibberish:

10. Collinsovo provedeni pisne The Times They Are a Changin' je pozoruhodne
11. CJ feels like a wall which should be written upon
12. Den som vi gjemmer for natta gjemmer for katta
13. (sorry, no messages)
14. Vy to porad jeste ctete? Jdete se uz konecne bodnout...

IMPORTANT PHONE NUMBERS IN ABSURDISTAN

Earth Embassy:          7-9072 

Visitor's Center:       3-4619 

Worse Business Bureau:  4-9918 

Weather Report:         3-6765 

Rent-a-Sub:             2-7001 

Absurdistan Times Nine: 6-6837 

UFO Sightings:          5-7243 

Road Conditions:        2-4582 

Emergencies:            3-4349-4112-3428-5652-9330-7710-0214

Exchange Rates & Price Index

Currency exchange table	100 AF =
Austrian Schilling	9.98
Czech Koruna	14.09
Norwegian Krone	4.57
US Dollar	1.17
Venezuelan Bolivar	129.55

Here are prices of some common goods and services in Absurdistan:

A horse - 75,000AF
A couch - 15,000AF
A loaf of bread - 120AF
A jacket - 490AF
A TV set - 9,000AF
A can of Pepsi - 110,000AF
A haircut - 700AF
An umbrella - 6,000AF
A 5BR/9BA house - 20,000AF
A book - 50AF
A blimp - 5,000AF

Bargaining Rule: When bargaining you are expected to try to push the price UP (when buying) and DOWN (when selling).

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