Department of Statistics now proudly sponsors
the Absurd WWW Counter.
University of Absurdistan (UAbs) was found on one rainy
night in 1948 when inhabitants of Kocourkov (Weird County) noticed
strange formations on the potato field behind the city (2 miles past the
These formations turned out to be chimneys and rooftops of
buildings that were later identified as Administration Building,
Aerospace Engineering, School of Mathematics and Law School Buildings.
It was very lucky discovery indeed, since if it wasn't for
the incessant rain, a layer of soil covering University's most
important buildings wouldn't have been washed away and hundreds
of talented students would have to study elsewhere. Fortunately,
the rain did its part well and, immediately
after the discovery, Kocourkovans grabbed their shovels and spades
and literally dug the rest of the University out of the ground. Cut and
Soon after that the University of Absurdistan
at Kocourkov became the main educational institution
in Absurdistan. While the teacher/student ratio at most universities
in the world doesn't exceed 1:4 and even in the renowned
Cimrman's Polytechnic Institute in Ja'rov its value is 1:2.5, in the UAbs
this ratio reaches an incredible value of 3:1. This pedagogical miracle
is partially due to an excellent reputation of the University which
attracts faculty from all parts of Absurdistan and partially to a new swimming
pool in the Student Athletic Complex which features jacuzzi, heated water
and a pair of hungry sharks. Owing to this ratio, classrooms are usually filled
with 1 student and 2-4 instructors who compete amongst themselves to
get the student's attention. Another advantage of such a ratio is that faculty
members have lots of time to spend on research and the scope of their
interests is truly amazing as can be guessed from the following selection
of classes offered by the University.
Please, note that the textbook for Contemporary American Studies has been
changed to Dennis Miller's "The Rants" and, for the second semester, to his
sequel "Ranting Again". Sorry for the inconvenience.
Classes available for Fall semester at UAbs:
- CHEMISTRY 2001: Private life of chemical elements
The class discusses new information on members of the Mendelejev's
periodic table as discovered by the former talk-show host
prof. Vicky Flake.
Topics range from the incestuous relationship between Hydrogen and
Oxygen to latest perversities of Bromine and
the sexual half-life of Uranium. Neon's night life will be discussed at length
and the fact that Carbon sleeps
around will be even rigorously proved.
Other spicy details from the life of Sulfur,
Neon, Phosphorus and Helium will be discussed as time allows.
- MATHEMATICS 1305: Renaissance of a Slide Rule
Using a slide rule for all sorts of mathematical operations will be covered.
Techniques of sliding with both hands will be perfected in recitations.
Other topics will include reading slide rules in the dark,
types of slide rules,
their history, manufacturing, maintenance, and last but not least throwing
them at classmates and boring instructors. A special workshop will be
held on deforming slide rules into boomerangs.
- LANGUAGES 3500: Swearing in foreign languages
This class concentrates on dirty words in languages derived from Latin.
Special attention will be paid to handling traffic accidents in
Italian and using bordello jargon in French and Spanish.
A small glass of wine will be administered before each class.
- PHYSICS 3002: Snapping fingers in the vacuum II.
This class further enhances experimental skills developed by
Jara da Cimrman during his expedition to the Moon. Topics include
the wave equation, snapping fingers in gloves and supersnapping (i.e.
snapping fingers at extremely low temperatures). Snapping toes
may be practised in recitations.
Prerequisite: Snapping fingers in the vacuum I.
- PHYSICS 6201: Quantum Eggs.
The lecture by prof. Albert Onestone will begin with the description
of the famous experiment of throwing raw eggs through a narrow gap in which
the famous egg diffraction patterns were discovered. Then, using the classical
paradox of the "Schroedinger's Chicken", a quantum formalism will be developed.
Differences between two basic quantum
states for eggs (i.e. hard-boiled and soft-boiled) will
be illustrated by throwing them into the potential well. Perturbation
methods will be used to describe scrambled eggs with a particular emphasis
on the microwave function. Finally, some
open problems will be discussed - for instance, why eggs never exist in
a ground state (like cheese or pepper) or whether Planck's constant
is independent of boiling.
- PHYSICS 6727: Relativistic Gossip.
How to deal with the fact that information cannot be propagated
faster than the light speed. Some special techniques (smoke signals,
city circuits, anonymous letters) will be practised. Influence of the
space-time curvature on the distortion of the information will be
given in terms of the Einstein's equations.
Prerequisite: Private life of chemical elements.
- MEDICINE 4540: Advanced nail cutting.
Laboratory techniques for ultraprecise nail cutting using laser beams,
computerized egg-beaters and garden scissors will be practised after enough
theory is covered (mainly differential nail cutting and topology of fingers).
Some laboratory exercises may include cutting your nails under the influence
- LAWS 3001: Out of court duties.
This class concentrates on the everyday routines common to most legal
professions in the country - raking money, drying money, counting
money, storing money, laundering money, sucking money, wrapping money,
collecting money, counting money again, keeping money and the likes.
- PHYSICAL EDUCATION 2200: Medieval torture.
Torturing suitable for our fitness. Running across burning coals, proper
stretching at pulleys, aerobics without air, how to exercise while
suspended in the air by both feet and other useful practices.
Warming up on a blazing pile and
massage techniques using clubs, cudgels and spikes will be discussed.
Special care of stomach muscles provided by
"the pit and the pendulum". If time allows
relaxation on a wooden horse will be covered.
- PHYSICAL EDUCATION 1002: Self-defense.
What to do when you pepper spray gets stuck. Proper techniques of dismantling
its cap and freeing the conduits with an emergency screw driver. Class will
also cover many different ways of asking the attacker for help with fixing
the spray, including use of artificial tears and telling the story of a sick
grandmother whose sight is getting weaker and weaker and consequently, she
can't be of much help with spray's maintenance. Reading the instruction manual
on an insufficiently lit street and adjusting the squirt strength under stress.
Some instructors may include special techniques of self-defense in case
you stray into back alleys and are suddenly confronted by a falling balcony.
- MECHANICAL ENGINEERING 4508: Design and construction of blondes.
This class covers fine points of assembling blondes. Differences
between arms and legs, voice tuning, head interior decoration, oil
change, brain change, replacement of batteries and make-up compatibility.
Special procedures to enhance resistance of blondes to
high temperatures, earthquakes and jerks may be discussed too.
If you would like to offer any classes as a visiting lecturer, please
contact our pedagogical coordinator at
Please include the title of the course, a brief description, prerequisites
(if necessary), your name, email address, country of residence (if different
from Absurdistan) and your http address (if applicable).
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